I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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