Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
