I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
