The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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