Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
