All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
