shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
