Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
