If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
