i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
