I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
