I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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