how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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