She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
