I think I won the penis lottery.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
