I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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