i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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