Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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