TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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