im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Too much gin, very little bucket
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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