He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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