I'm gonna have a badass scar
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
