She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
