The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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