I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
