Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
