Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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