I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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