sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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