how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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