im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
