Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
