I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
