i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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