why didn't you poke me back
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My bed smells like the plague
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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