I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
