She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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