Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
