i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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