My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
