I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
