i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
