You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
