At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
