I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
