There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
