a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
