Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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