The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
sarcasm needs its own font
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
