I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
