i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
