I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He better not be in your backpack
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
