I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
