I just threw up on my dentist
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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