im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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