Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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