On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
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