I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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